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November 15th, 2012
12:01 AM
Huntley Meadows Park, VA
10 miles south of the Pentagon


The grass blades all laid flat in a four foot radius.  A wind blew in all directions at once, centered on the flattened ground.  Birds broke from their nightly cover and took to the air, beating their wings frantically to get away from the source of the strange wind; their frantic cries swallowed into the anomaly.  

The air at the epicenter of the flattened grass shimmered, like someone through a bucketful of glitter into the wind.  Four feet off the ground, a spiral of colors started to spread out in all directions, creating a swirling vortex eight feet across and eight feet high.  A high pitched keening emanated from the vortex.

After less than a minute a tall figured tucked into a crouch came barreling through the vortex.  It landed to the left and crouched down.  It was wearing tight leather breeches, dark as the night itself and a laced up shirt to match.  There was a cloak over the creature’s shoulders covering its head.  The only thing truly visible was the six feet of steel in his right hand.  Before the humanoid creature could even settle back in his black leach boots, another figure came tumbling through the vortex, landing on the right side.  This one was identical to the first, right down to the six foot sword brandished in its
right hand.

The creatures continued to tumble out of the vortex gracefully, their heads swiveling between the park around them and the vortex itself under their dark cloaks.  It lasted less than three minutes, but at the end there were twenty figures crouched down on either side of the vortex, vigilantly watching their surroundings.

As the wind started to die down and the vortex began to shrink, one last figure ducked through the collapsing hole.  He was dressed very similar to the others that had preceded him, but there was a major difference.  His cowl was down and we could see his face.  Sleek black hair topped his long, angular head, pulled tight back into a ponytail.  His eyes were almond shaped and crystal blue.  On the sides of his head rested his ears, long and slightly pointed at the tip.  He stood at almost seven and a half feet if he was an inch.  On his side he carried a sword encased in a scabbard that was of similar length of the ones around him.  He stood there and surveyed his surroundings as the wind vacated the area and the vortex dissipated.

None of the other creatures moved other than their heads.  They were constantly searching the perimeter and looking back at what must be their leader.  As their head swiveled, you could occasionally catch the icy blue eyes that were hidden under the cowls.  The one standing cleared his throat and placed a metal collar around his neck.  It briefly glowed and then went out.  He stretched his head in all directions and then looked down to those before him.

“Up.  Star pattern out from me.  Move.”  His voice was deep, but had a musical lilt to it.  The commands sent those around him in a flurry of motion.  They arranged themselves in five lines of four spaced evenly around the center creature.  He then reached down and grabbed a bit of earth.  He mixed it with a bit of his saliva and a small piece of fabric he ripped from his cloak.

“Grant us the shadows and the places in between. hide us there so we shall not be seen.”

As the final word left his mouth, the group of twenty-one creatures completely disappeared.


November 15th, 2012
1:30 AM
Reagan National Airport
Security Checkpoint
Terminal B


“Just another half an hour and I am out of here.  I can not freaking wait.  I want to get home, get a bite to eat, and cuddle up with my wife.  I am sick of working the late shift.”

“Yeah, I hear you.  At least you have someone to go home to.  I got an empty apartment and a cat that is in heat.  Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

The two TSA (Transportation Security Agents) were leaned against the conveyor belt of the x-ray machine watching the clock more than anything else.  There had not been a single person come through in over an hour and they were past the point of boredom.

“Mike, how long you been with TSA?”

“About a year now, why?”

“Have you ever had anything exciting happen?”

“I found a pocket knife on a guy once that he refused to give up.  He ended up not getting on his flight.  Swore like a sailor and threatened to sue me.  Other than that, not really, why?”

“I just don’t get the point of us being here after the flights have all departed, I mean really what is the point?”

A high pitched keening came from the air in front of them and the metal detector started going off.  Mike and Roger both looked up and put their hands on their radios, but when they looked, they say nothing and no one.

“Fucking thing must be broken, guess I should call it in.”

“Yeah, I hope they don’t make us stick around till they fix – “

The beeping noise from the metal detector stopped and as both of the agents looked to the front of the checkpoint, they saw close to two dozen men in dark cloaks standing there.  All of them had their hoods up so you could not see their faces except one.  The guy in the center stepped forward.  He had dark black hair that was pulled back in a ponytail and crystal blue, almond shaped eyes.  His face was long and angular.  He was wearing a combination of leather and dark cloth.  Mike and Roger both instinctively took a step back as they noticed the twenty some-odd swords hanging at the men’s belts.  Roger picked up his radio and quickly made a call.

“This is Agent Falkner from Terminal B.  We have a situation here.”

The man with the lowered hood very slowly placed his hand on his belt and began unbuckling it.  He handed it back to one of the others standing behind him.  He did not make any motion to move forward any further than he had; he was about a foot away from the entrance to the metal detector.  After handing off his sword and belt, he looked at Roger and put his hands in the air.

“I mean you no harm.  I am ambassador Alleine Sentyne from Pnumbra.  My people and I have come to your point of entry to request asylum.  If you would be so kind as to inform your superiors, I would be most appreciative.”

The man’s voice had almost a Celtic lilt to it, but a little more musical in nature.  He spoke in slow even tones that calmed the soul as the words hit your ears.  Mike and Roger both just nodded until Mike finally spoke up.

“Roger just put a call in.  Someone should be here soon.  In the meantime, if we could get all of your men to remove their swords and other weapons, this will go a lot easier.  We don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.”

Alleine nodded slowly and turned to the assembled mass behind him and made a small motion with his hands.  One by one they all very slowly removed their sword belts and passed them forward.  Once Alleine had gathered all twenty. plus his own, he reached out to hand them to Mike, who was a bit closer to them all.

Mike took a step forward, then stepped back again.

“If you could just lay them there on the ground, that would be wonderful.”

Alleine laid the sword belts at the feet of the middle aged man that had addressed him.  He made no move other than that and the quickly stood and took position at the front of his people.  They waited there in front of the metal detector while the two men in uniforms looked them over.  Neither party said a word as they waited for the other men that had been called on the radio to show up.



November 15th, 2012
1:50 AM
Reagan National Airport
Security Checkpoint
Terminal B


“Alright, I am not sure who you people are, but I understand you have asked for asylum.  I am not completely familiar with the procedure myself, but I do know that I can not have you wandering around my terminals with weapons and dressed like you are headed to a Renaissance Festival.  I am going to need you to walk, one at a time, through our security checkpoint here and then we will see about getting you some clothes while you wait.”

The man who spoke was a large man.  A little over six and a half feet tall and built like a brick wall.  I am sure he would have been intimidating if the strangers did not tower over him by nearly a foot.  As it was, he was rubbing the back of his neck from looking up at them while giving them instructions.  He then turned to Mike and Roger.

“Mike, go see if you can find them some clothes and Roger, cordon off this area.  I want no one else in and,” his voice lowered to a light whisper as he bent down to Roger’s ear, “and I want none of them getting out.  I am not sure how they managed to walk right up to your post and neither of you saw them until it was too late, but let’s say a little thank you to the big man upstairs that these guys didn’t want you dead and the rest of us as well.”

Mike nodded and ran off down the concourse.  Roger made his way to a utility closet and began roping off the area in yellow police tape and wet floor signs.  The larger man, Phil Voegler, made his way around to the rear of the metal detector and motioned the first one, the one called Alleine, through.

As Alleine stepped through the archway, beeping immediately filled the air and Phil let out a breath and shook his head.

“If you have any metal on you, any thing at all, please remove it before stepping through the archway.  Thank you.”

Alleine stepped back through, which set off the beeping again, and began undressing.

“There is metal worked into all of our garments and most of us have a hidden blade or three somewhere on our bodies.  We would have to strip down to our tunics to have no metal on us.”

Phil just shrugged, “Then that is what you will have to do.  Please be quick about it.  I need each of you to go through the metal detector before we can proceed any further.  Also, you may place your belongings, other than weapons, in one of the baskets provided there.  Any weapons, you can just hand over to me.  I cannot guarantee you will get them back.”
©2009 =VertigoArt
:iconvertigoart:

Author's Comments

This is one of the pieces I am working on. I would love some feedback on it.

If you like it, is it a plausible story?
Would this be enough to peak you interest to read a book?
Is the dialogue believable?
Can you offer any suggestions:
story arcs?
interesting characters?
anything at all?

All feedback is welcomed.

Critiques


:iconkneelingglory:
Well that was something I haven't seen on dA in a while! I'm assuming the "vortex" is some form of time-travel and the creatures that came through it sound formidable. You paint the pictures quite clearly, using specific and conrete terms that make it easy for me to see what you see. Most of your verb choices are also very strong.

The first problem I noticed is a shift in perspectives throughout the narration. You start in third person, then shift to second person plural when you write "His cowl was down and we could see his face. Sleek black hair topped his long, angular head, pulled tight back into a ponytail." Later, you shift to second person singular with "their head swiveled, you could occasionally catch the icy blue eyes that were hidden under the cowls."

That's an easy enough mistake to correct, but I think you need to decide how you want the story told. If you want the action and dialogue of all the characters told without bias to a single character, you should write in third-person objective, meaning that we would read the story as a "fly on the wall" with no special insight into any one character. If you'd like one or even two characters in your story to have special status, I'd consider writing in third-person subjective, which affords the reader a look into the thoughts, motivations, and emotions of your main character(s). I do not recommend writing a story in second person at all. Publishers generally frown upon it unless the second person point of view somehow adds value. In this situation, I don't believe it would.

For a quick, but thorough, overview of different narrative modes see this link: [link]

There are a few typos I noticed:

As the wind started to die down and the vortex began to shrink, one last figure ducked through the collapsing hole. I'd revise this sentence. Verb phrases like "started to" and "began to" are often wordy and awkward. Instead, write As the wind died down and the vortex shrank.... Remember, the fewer words your reader has to comprehend the faster the pace of your narration.

like someone through a bucketful of glitter into the wind.... That should read someone threw...

The two TSA (Transportation Security Agents) were leaned against the conveyor belt.... When you write a story, try not to use the paranthetical explanation of abbreviations. Instead, spell it out the first time, then slip it into the narrative in a way the reader will automatically connect the abbreviation and its meaning. You can easily write out 'Transportation Security Agents' in the line above and change nothing else. The dialogue that follows makes a clear connection between TSA and its meaning.

Roger both looked up and put their hands on their radios, but when they looked, they say nothing... You mean they saw nothing, right?

The man who spoke was a large man. A little over six and a half feet tall and built like a brick wall. Firstly, that's a fragment. It's easy enough to fix by adding an elongated dash between 'man' and 'a' to make it one sentence. Also, the simile "like a brick wall" is pretty cliche. I'll bet you can think of something better :)

The dialogue is well done and the action is clear and propells the story along nicely. I'd very much like to read more of this.

:)
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5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

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Comments


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:iconvindicta38:
I'm interested to see what this is about. :nod: I'm especially interested in finding out who (or what) the cloaked men are.

To put this in terms of how much this interested me, I actually read a whole prose piece on dA. :XD:

Very good work! :D

--
Words do my bidding! ....... Sometimes...
:iconvertigoart:
Thank you very much. I may post more of this as it develops, but I am a very slow writer right now as I can only stay seated for a few minutes at a time.

--
Creator of =DailyLitDeviations

My Book:
Poetic Visions of an Uncut Mind: [link]
:iconvindicta38:
That'll be fine. :D Anticipation can be a writer's best tool. :nod:

--
Words do my bidding! ....... Sometimes...
:iconcaroncecilia:
this is very good, will...i am intrigued as to the foreign characters....i want to read more....

--
~Those talked over oft times make the best writers.
---
yeah, I'm one of those "I really like this, good job!" critics. So sue me...
---

I support: =DailyLitDeviations *100ThemesChallenge ~Prompt-A-Day ~CollabLit
:iconkersee9:
captivated me & was sorry when i found myself at the end. i saw some minor edits needed but nothing that matters yet. the story is totally one that needs writing. i think it would make a great book. :nod:

--
*DailyLitDeviations Promoting the work of Literature artists on deviantArt. Stop by & show your support, participate & promote literature.

"aya agowadv adonvdo ditlilastanuhi dakanogidv" me
i mean "i see spirit (soul, heart) music" yeah that.
:iconpermanent-insanity:
this is good, I really want more of it to read now

--
~Insanity-Stock
~Lyrics-Community
"I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills every day" - Jimmy Eat World, Bleed American
:iconpoisonedapple312:
it is really good you hooked us with out really giving that much information up front. And it's beautifully done at that!

--
"If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace, but we would be hollow: empty rooms, shuttered and dank - without passion, we'd be truly dead"~ angel from season 2 of buffy

*DailyLitDeviations
:iconthe-raker:
This is a great start! There are so many elements to this that I want to know. Who are these gentlemen and why are they seeking asylum? Who are they seeking asylum from? Where are they from? Obviously they have the ability of interdimensional travel/ability to travel great interstellar distances. I love the not-so subtle foreshadowing in the second section. You know what going to happen, but just can't wait for it.

The only thing I don't like about it is that all the characters have a similar speech pattern.

Some other issues I noticed:

The grass blades all laid flat in a four foot radius

This is a great hook. I get what you're saying here, but it's a little awkwardly worded. I Think it'd work better as "Grass blades were laid flat in a circle eight feet across."

...their frantic cries swallowed into the anomaly.

"Were swallowed by"

...like someone through a bucketful of...

I think you mean "threw"

...than a minute a tall figured...

There should be a comma after "minute"

Last sentence in the third paragraph: half of the last line is bifurcated

He was dressed very similar to the others that had preceded him, but there was a major difference. His cowl was down and we could see his face.

Similarly dressed. Also, if the only difference is that his cowl is down than it's not a major one. In the last bit, you aren't writing in the first person so you should keep to one perspective.
This sentence should read, "He was similarly dressed to the others that had preceded him, but his cowl was down and his face could be seen."

He stood at almost seven and a half feet if he was an inch.

Given the tone and the style you've written this in, I would recommend that you end the sentence after "feet"

None of the other creatures moved other than their heads.

Should be a comma after "moved"

As their head swiveled, you could occasionally catch the icy blue eyes that were hidden under the cowls.

I think you want "heads" and you should work around the "you" to create an image rather than tell us how it is; something like "As their heads swiveled, the shadowed cowls occasionally revealed a set of icy, blue eyes."

The two TSA (Transportation Security Agents)...

The rule of thumb with acronyms is that you give the full meaning and then the acronym after, unless it's a commonly used convention (you could probably get away with just "TSA") but better to use "Transportation Security Agency agents" here and let them set the acronym like they do in their conversation.

...when they looked, they say nothing and no one.

I think you mean "saw" instead of "say"

...you could not see their faces except one.

Comma needed after "faces"

Twelfth paragraph in the second section: you've already described him before, so it isn't necessary, or advisable, to do it again. It can come across as being tedious.

I am sure he would have been intimidating...

You've jumped perspectives here again

Sorry for the nitpicking. Again, this is a great start and I can't wait to read more!

--
Writer's blood marches through my veins like giant, radioactive rubber pants! Do not ignore my veins!
:iconvertigoart:
:)

--
Creator of =DailyLitDeviations

My Book:
Poetic Visions of an Uncut Mind: [link]
:iconvertigoart:
Thank you ... I am writing very slowly now as I can only sit for short periods at a time.

--
Creator of =DailyLitDeviations

My Book:
Poetic Visions of an Uncut Mind: [link]

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